There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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