You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
This baby is an asshole
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
