We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
