I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
