Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
