she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
