i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
