At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
