I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
