you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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