just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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