You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
