It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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