Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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