Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
