He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
