If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
