Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
