Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
