Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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