I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
