I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
