today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
