I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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