dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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