You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
