Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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