when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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