i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
