i dedicated my morning wood to you.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
