she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
