I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
