The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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