if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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