I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Oh god it's open bar.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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