We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
