god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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