this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
