I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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