its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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