What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
