I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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