Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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