this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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