It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
