I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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