Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
