Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
