Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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