My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
