Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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