How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
