Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
