NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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